I was not going to write anything, but I thought I should share something that is going on with me, and maybe I will get some good feedback!
I have not touched my horses or ridden in months.
My fast track last November was amazing. I met some wonderful people and learned so much. Halfway through Vanna got injured. Lucky for my Allie was only 6 hours away to I booked it up north and switched horses.
My whole view of the fast track changed.
I LOVE Allie. Allie is my soul mate in horse form. Thats funny to say but we are the exact same in every way, emotionally, mentally and sometimes even physically. (
Allie was originally Mirka's horse, and when Mirka saw Allie and I together, she knew we were a match. She was right. Another thing Allie and I have in common is our past. Allie was horribly abused; I wont go into much detail, but I know she was hung by her head from a tractor to keep from pulling back when tied. Mirka went through so much with that mare to help her be what she is today.
Allie has bagage, and honestly, it really doesn't hold her back, but... it holds me back. I am a right brained person, I use emotion over logic, I am a panic-acholic and a world class worrier.
The last to weeks of my fast track with Allie were the complete opposite than they were with Vanna. I went from cocky and out going to almost comatose with panic and negative thoughts. I could not get it out of my head that Allie was just going to blow up, explode, loose her mind and just wig out. I got through my fast track and passed, but did not get my level 3 in freestyle that I just KNEW I had in the bag with Vanna.
When we got home I focused on getting Vanna well, as well as myself as I had gotten very very ill right before my fast track and put off seeking medical help until i got home. Then we moved the horses to a friends 2 hours away. I hardly got to see them. They are now in my back yard, literally. I am living my dream..... which is turning out to be my personal hell. I drive by my horses everyday, and they look so happy in their giant pasture, fat and happy. Well, I got fat, and I am not happy. I want my life with my horses back. I want to wake up every morning and run out to get them and play all day. I can't do it.
Vanna is done, she will never be more than a light riding trail horse. My partner is no more and that is devastating. Allie, the love of my life is just as talented as Vanna, but my mind can not wrap itself around that. I continue to go into panic mode. I had dreams of being a trainer, a rider, a breeder, I had huge dreams for my horses and they are slowly crumbling away around me and I can't seem to find the pieces.
I am putting myself out here, bearing it all. maybe someone will read this who had the same issue or problems. I am ready to get out of this rut, I want the old me back.
Honestly,
Emily
